WELCOME TO OUR QUAGMIRE, MR. CHIRAC

OUTGOING WHITE HOUSE PHONE CALL 11:26 A.M., JANUARY 24, 2005

JOHN KERRY: Good morning. This is the president of the United States, John Francois Kerry. Would Monsieur Chirac be in just at the moment? Oui, merci, I'll wait.

(Humming the Marseilles) Da dum da da da--Oh, yes. Bonjour, Jacques, Je--what? Oh, yes, well, I know you speak English. I just thought that--oh, I see. Well, yes, I suppose my snotty boarding school French might not be quite up to your standards. Fine, we'll speak in English, then.

Say, I just called to see if--what? Oh, well, thank you. That's very nice. I'm quite pleased to have beaten that lying cowboy moron, as well. Thanks for your kind words.

I was just calling you to--excuse me? The what? Oh! What am I planning to do about the oil for food thing? Well, I was rather planning to let it play out, you know, see what the investigation comes up with, and--well, I suppose we could talk about something else. I'd have to mull that over for a while. What? No, no, that's not some kind of code. No, Jacques, please don't offer me money.

But, say there. Speaking of offering, I was just calling to invite you to a little summit I'm putting together for next week. I know it's short notice, but I'm sure you'll want to come when you find out what the topic is.

Oh. Well, yes. That's right. Can't put anything over on you, then, eh? Yes, it's about Iraq. I'm having a few world leaders over for a nice big summit, full of important nuanced discussion and good, rich food--oh, I don't know. I'd have to ask the White House chef, I suppose.

Well, Jacques, I really don't know the chef's name. I kind of just got here. I'd ask Teresa, but I haven't seen her in a kitchen in--yeah, ha ha! You read my mind. I wouldn't want to try anything she cooked, either. That's what cooks are FOR, right? Ha ha ha!

Now, look, Jacques. I need to get an answer on this thing. Who else is coming? Oh, well, I was going to invite all the allies we haven't quite had around for a while, maybe some we lost more recently, the ones who are already--oh, my, Jacques. I don't think that's a very nice thing to say about Prime Minister Blair! I haven't heard language like that since this morning, when I made Teresa's coffee too hot.

Anyway, look--what? Oh, well, no. I haven't actually--well, you're the first I called because of the special relationship our two nations have always had--are you still there, Jacques? What? Oh, yes, I suppose it is very important to make sure you don't miss the French re-runs of Dallas. Are they--oh, finished now?

Okay. Now, how much of an entourage will you be bringing? We'll have to figure out which room--what?

Oh, you have something else to do? Well, yes, I know you're a very important world leader, but so am I now, Jacques, and as you know you have a stake in Iraq, too--well, not, I didn't mean a steak you eat, I meant--well, no. Stop laughing, Jacques. I know you don't have anything there right now. Oh, I--and you don't plan on…yes, I see.

Well, don't you think it would be a good idea to at least sit down and talk about it?

Jacques? I think we've--

[dial tone]

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Hello?